Out|With|the|Pain

I have been needing to do some serious releasing for a long time, and it finally caught up with me this week. All the pain and negativity I’ve been carrying so long brought me to a standstill. As in, crying-in-the-shower-can’t-convince-myself-to-get-dressed standstill.

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I’ve known that two things would have to happen if I wanted to move on: forgiveness and self-forgiveness. No, they are not one thing to me, one package called “forgiveness”. They are two very different processes that I have to approach in completely different ways.

As a witch, with so many tools to turn to, how did I let things get this bad? Well, all that negativity came from somewhere – bad experiences, bad choices, bad outcomes – so inevitably, my faith had waned. At one time I knew I could tap into the universe for anything, and it would come with fireworks ablaze. The creativity of Source always amazed me. Then, I felt like everything sent out went into a big. black. hole. Huge. Where hope goes to die.

At one darker point, I even wondered if I already was dead and in denial about it. That’s how alone I felt. That’s how hopeless I felt. After the failure of seeking a better family life through my in-laws’ assistance, I’d had a Tower-card, life-changing event wherein I lost the mother that had raised me, packing up my family to leave her home in an emergency situation she’d created through violence and alcoholism. It wasn’t the pain of leaving to never see her or talk to her again that hurt me. It was the pain of realizing that she never was the person I thought she was, and I’d never meant what I thought I meant to her. Then finding a job after my year-long maternity leave became a lesson in desperation, leaving me confused and nearly atheist.

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Why had I always found abundance in employment prospects, but now found emptiness? There was only silence… I would even check my “sent” box frequently to ensure I had not dreamed up sending out so many resumes. My husband was still in another state finishing his school semester, and I felt like every phone call from him resulted in some sort of drain – emotional, financial, mental. Everything I’d built over the course of five years felt taken away in a matter of months. It got worse before it got better.

I never really recovered from that. Yes, I found a job; I actually really like the job and fought my way up to a salary I can live with for a while. In fact, I wish I had found this job a long time ago. That’s positive, right? I live in a very nice neighborhood, in a very nice townhouse that I’m renting from my best friend – the same house I’d been her roommate in and always wanted to have something like it for myself. My husband has a part-time job that he likes, is able to stay home with our toddler while caring for my best friend’s baby, and is completing his education online with a great school. Everything did eventually work its way out. Except having a full-blown teenager now. I don’t think that’s supposed to ever work out.

But I still felt empty. I still felt worthless. I still felt hopeless. And alone. What was wrong with me?

So I’d had to fight for my abundance this time. I should feel stronger for that. Except I felt weaker and more tired of life from the struggle. Realistically, it had been about five years that I’d been sliding downhill, culminating in a face plant over the last two.

Had I dreamed too big? Were my expectations so far from reality that success felt like failure?

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I finally had confirmation of why I’d incarnated into this life, but instead of feeling relief and having a sense of purpose, I felt overwhelmed and depressed because… I was supposed to be over there. And I’m over here. My energy to push for lofty goals had been completely depleted. I knew myself better than I ever had, and I’d developed a greater skill set than I’d ever had, but I still felt like I had nothing and would be nothing. Did I really struggle for the last thirty years of my life to just end up….here? If it weren’t for my children, I knew my thoughts would be even darker.

And that was the turning point.

Because of my own experiences with the mothers in my life (adopted and biological) and my dad’s distance that may as well have been absence, I felt like an orphan. And I never wanted my children to experience that.

I was stopping the cycle.

That thought-moment gave me the realization that even though things weren’t were I wanted them to be – weren’t where they were supposed to be – I was still fighting. My soul was still growing. I was choosing my children’s well-being over my own desire to give up. There was still a spark inside of me fueled by…love. All the cliches about love I’d rolled my eyes at… Here they were smiling at my realization.

I realized that what I had been feeling wasn’t an emptiness. It was an abundance, but an abundance of negativity. There wasn’t any room in my life for positive things to flow. I was holding on to too much pain, and the only thing positive left that I could feel was my love for my children. Feeling all that darkness alongside that love – my heart and soul weren’t empty. They were overwhelmed with negative things and couldn’t fit anything else in.

As a witch, I probably should have figured that out a long time ago – especially being a Silver Ravenwolf fan and having read through Hedgewitch a few times; except I knew that being told something and living it yourself – seeing it for yourself – are two different things. So it’s okay that I didn’t just “know” what to do because witches should “know” these things. Even the strongest people in the world have a limit to how much they can carry, and I needed to release everything that was weighing me down.

So release I did.

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I dug out all of my “witch gear” – noting the fact that it had been put away in the first place was very symbolic of my journey to the point where I would do such a thing. I created sacred space for the first time in my house (another symbol), cast my circle, called the elements, called the gods, the angels, and Spirit, cleansed, consecrated, and dressed my candles, and then went through a very personal, very cleansing, very necessary ritual involving forgiveness, self-love, and release. It was very, very empowering.

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And today I feel different. A good different. And a few things happened that haven’t happened in a long, long, time.

Trickles of abundance.

They are just small, but I needed them for reassurance. I needed to know the universe had heard me. They represented a “lifting” of this dark veil I’ve been living behind.

What happened? A book order I’d been frustrated with for being so late was delivered today after sitting in a warehouse for days and the company I ordered from refunded my shipping cost without me asking. Then a lady I work with gave me a ballet exercise DVD that she said made her think of me. [I’d started learning ballet a while back and had fallen in love with it before becoming upset with a bad instructor and giving up.] “Keep going,” the gift said. I feel beautiful when I’m learning ballet. “Feel beautiful,” the gift said. Little things, yes, but so needed. And so welcome.

I finally feel connected to Source again. To the great Tree of Life that we all are part of.

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I had another takeaway from this experience:

In my worst moments, I could feel the dark, not just think about it in an abstract way. Perhaps that was the only way my soul would truly understand energy-manifestation concepts on Earth. I knew there were energies that affected everything, but I didn’t really think about how they worked until…they didn’t. Before I had filled myself with negative abundance, I could simply light a candle with an intention and see it fulfilled. After several “bunk” candles, tears, and desperation, it was time to think about what the candle was doing and why it wasn’t working.

Here’s to better todays, better tommorrows, and prosperous ever-afters.

— Verbena

 

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